Why I, Woman, Do Comedy And DUH It’s Sex

A lot of people ask me why did I, a woman with breasts, pussy, and butt, start doing comedy and I always tell them one thing: to make men want to fuck me. People always say, Nikita you don’t need to do comedy to make men want to fuck you, you’re a triple threat! (see aforementioned breasts, puss’, and BUTT) and I say NO, I want to be “wanting to be fucked!” These days with so much technology and nintendo it is VERY hard for a woman like me to get thought of sexually so I have to be creative, even if that means going out 5 times a week and telling jokes. If I’m lucky, some man in the audience will say, woah she’s only doing that to get bonked! Sometimes I like to SNEAK UP ON MEN and go to coffee shops when they are on their laptops or watching their favorite sportballs and scream into a microphone, do you want to smash me?! But because FEMINISM I hide that question in the form of jokes. Speaking of feminism, I only tell jokes about what it’s like BEING A WOMAN (waking up, walking dog, going to work, masturbating) so when a WOMAN tells a joke about being a WOMAN, men will REMEMBER I am a woman who wants to get schmuzzled! I’ve been making a lot of sacrifices in life to make men want to fuck me – it is hard work! I have to support myself with a day job because there is NO money in getting men to want to fuck you (there is money when they actually fuck you, but I don’t do that because I am only on stage so men will WANT to fuck me. Do you get it?!) I write during my lunch break because if you don’t write you don’t get to perform on “shows” where you can spend EIGHT TO TEN MINUTES being the center of male attention! This is a dream come true after you’ve spent 10 months at open mics being the center of male attention FOR ONLY 3 MINUTES! And I get paid in drink tickets so men will see me drink my WET drinks AS A METAPHOR and let them know my pussy is splash sploosh slip sip slurp gurgle gurgle gulp i’m drowning!!!! It is a hard life 😉 but it’s a good life.
I hope you boob comediennes can relate to this and remember why you started comedy too – to get fucked! So work hard and go up often and keep living your dreams and as long as you do that, men will think of fucking you! (Just remember not to do it TOO long like 8 years otherwise men will get suspicious and stop wanting to fuck you and LISTEN to your “jokes”!!!!! CAREFUL OF THIS!)



The Writing Process Of Champions

The glamorous life of being a professional* writer comes with people asking you a lot of questions like are you sure this is a stable career? and are your parents proud of you? and is living with roommates well into your 30s worth it? While you tumble down a pit of despair trying to answer those questions, I’ll answer the most important question you’ll be getting as a writer, and that is what is your writing process? Thoughts come in all shapes and sizes and at any time of the day. It can be extremely difficult to sit down and churn up some words when the world is full of distractions like hot people and dank memes, which is why I’ve decided to share my writing process with you.  Below is what a typical day reserved for writing looks like.

(*getting paid in alcohol and experience) 

7:30am: Wake up, thoroughly convince myself that I won’t get writers block today and don’t need to wake up early. Then go back to sleep

9:52am: Why the fuck didn’t my alarm go off at 7:30?! Storm angrily out of bed to commence dread-filled stare in the mirror

10:00am: Make breakfast and determine which title on Netflix will inspire me to write

10:20am: Finish breakfast and tell myself that the first five minutes of this Woody Allen documentary will most likely set off some spark

10:25am: Nothing yet. Maybe ten more minutes and Woody will start talking about how he used to live in a rat-infested 10-bedroom apartment in Brooklyn and had to write screenplays under the streetlight before his landlord would come home and throw poop at him

10:26am: He was writing feature films at 17?! Screw this I’m done

12:00pm: Write one sentence while pausing after each word to get a snack

12:15pm: Stare at cat in hopes of slipping under her mind control that’ll somehow incapacitate my left brain and allow creativity to flow unencumbered

2:00pm: Wake up from nap/cat-induced hypnosis. Decide it’s better to write in a coffee shop

3:30pm: Pound back 2 espresso shots and accidentally like an ex’s Instagram post from 252 weeks ago

3:31pm: Brainstorm clever retorts in case ex asks why I was stalking him, such as “I’m just playin’ also did you know I’m dating a really hot musician with two dicks.”

4:00pm: Damn these are good I can turn them into a joke

4:01pm: “Nah,” I say as I bomb in front of my own brain

4:15pm: Decide it’s better to write at home

4:45pm: Make snack and determine which title on Netflix will inspire me to write

5:00pm: Spiral through existential dread realizing Rihanna has the same number of hours in a day as me and she’s probably gotten 86 things done by now

6:00pm: Decide everything is useless and summon the powers of good old fashioned sorcery

7:00pm: Concoct a potion made of my petty ideas sprinkled with a dash of white male confidence 

8:00pm: Mix with the fur of a single comedienne’s cat, a dick from a dick joke, plus airplane food

9:00pm: Stir potion and determine which title on Netflix will inspire me to write

10:00pm: Drink potion and immediately PASS OUT


12:00am: Man that was easy and it felt great! Wake up early tomorrow to write more!




The Best Headphones To Meet Your Future Husband

Ladies, the secret’s out.

Men have finally discovered how to approach us in public settings, and it’s when we’re wearing headphones. It’s about time our knights in shining armor noticed our ears bore a signal for mercy, begging to be released from a demise full of eternal wire tangles and shitty pop culture podcasts. Hurray! The days of listening to music, audiobooks, podcasts (or whatever other garbage that doesn’t actively focus on making us more bangable) are over! Yet now that every woman will be stuffing plastic speakers into her ear canal in hopes of Prince Charming, you’ve got to make sure to stand out. Here’s a list of the best headphones you can wear to meet your future husband.

Apple Earphones

This classic staple provides the cheapest audio experience and the richest love life. These flimsy buds are the most man-friendly of its kind because they’re the easiest to yank out of your ear. What a great way to show romantic initiative, no matter how much you avoid eye contact, walk to the other side of the street, yell “seriously stop or I’m calling the cops!” or other cute ways us gals like to play “hard to get.” For best results, make sure you angle the earphone wires to contour your boobs!

Wireless Earphones

Wireless earphones are great because not only are they high quality, but if you push them up on your head you look like you’re wearing a cute headband! What man doesn’t love a woman who’s cute and resourceful?! These earphones are more popular among athletes, so make sure you don’t intimidate your casanova by having him think you’re stronger than him! (If this happens, self-deprecatingly challenge him to an arm wrestling match, lose on purpose, and then spend the rest of your date flailing your arms like a car dealership inflatable).

Headphones Stolen From An Airplane

These headphones show off your wild side: you’re a world traveler and you’re too carefree to care about material things like headphone sponges on both ears or airplanes taking a loss in inventory. Make sure you’re listening to man songs like Johnny Cash or Drake before 2011 – that way, your disproportionate headphones that blast music louder in one ear than the other would make a great conversation starter. (For our male readers: when a woman turns away when you approach her, she’s making sure you’re approaching the side that has the louder, conversation-worthy music blaring!)

Sony Headphones 

Sometimes it’s best to just stick to the basics, and these headphones do just that. Their big and bulky appearance makes it the short skirt equivalent of headphones: if you’re wearing these, you’re definitely wanting attention! Plus, its earbuds look like giant boobs and nothing brings out raw sexual energy in men than a woman who has boobs on her ears! Wow!


Wear any of these amazing headphones and your dream man will come talking to you in no time. Be cautious not to purchase any higher end brand like Dr. Dre’s Beats. Those headphones are top of their line and expensive, so wearing those shows you have a lucrative career (turnoff for men) or are way too into music (also a turnoff because hobbies are a threat to the attention they’ll get). Worst case, all of these headphones offer great warranty that covers everything like probably also your crippling loneliness. 

Remember, not all men are willing to talk to a woman who is wearing headphones, in which case you should ask them why they’re being a giant pussy.



Artsy Fartsy

I know the title is silly but honestly what follows is a bit of heart-swells:

The world has lost some phenomenal artists in the past few days. And as heartbroken as I have been, I can’t help but reflect over the bearing art has on our lives. Most of us have never known Bowie or Rickman personally, but we treat their loss as we would one of our own — and that’s because they are our own, but in many unique ways. The beauty of art is that its impact is refracted through the prisms of each of our individual experiences, and what yields is a brilliance of color that matches our respective wavelengths. Bowie and Rickman and the many identities they embodied in their work relay a different significance to all of us. I think the goal of any artist is to channel their passion in a way that ignites a fire in their audience — something that takes a lifetime to achieve, and a death to acknowledge. 

That’s what I wish people would understand when artists, especially in their early stages, are so vehemently written off as selfish narcissists who choose to follow their dream instead of a path that benefits society, contributes to GDP, makes our families proud, etc. Sure it’s crazy to pursue something that returns in little to no monetary benefit and could ruin relationships, but the prospect of even ONE person feeling a little different because of a creation that was built from the artist’s own talent and passion is probably what makes it okay to sleep on a mattress and eat Ramen every night for years on end.

Art in its combination of talent and love strikes a chord in people, and when the talent is too young to be impacting others, it’s impacting its creators. For their whole lives, Bowie and Rickman loved their art and loved all of you so hard that their lives had the power to mobilize thousands of people, no matter what was going on in their day, to be profoundly affected by their passing. And that is the beautiful solidarity about celebrity death — that we all become aware, together, of our own mortality through the immortality of love. There’s something so powerful about leaving a legacy like that.

Some icky truths about pursuing passions and all that jazz

Quick preface: I’ve been spending the last few months diligently creating for various publications and I couldn’t have asked for a better experience. I’ve gotten to meet and collaborate with people I admire, I’ve made brilliant friends who I’m shamelessly obsessed with, and I get to spend everyday researching, writing, and creating – it’s what I’ve wanted. Yet as glamorous as following my dreams looks from the outside, it’s got hoards of kinks. Allow me to explain:


I haven’t written on this blog for so long because somewhere along the way I got used to the idea that I would get paid for my words. I restricted myself from shopping sprees until I found a viable story to pitch, write, and have published. I saved my best pitch ideas for websites that I knew boasted a tremendous readerbase. Yet creating for the sake of money or exposure, especially at the beginning, dilutes passion really fast. I started to feel obligated and looked for anything to do that didn’t involve sitting down in front of my laptop and punching out articles. I was so bored with writing for someone else and trying to fit their voice I even trained a little for a 5K. I’m here writing this post because it’s been ages since I’ve done something for myself, which is ironic because that’s why I started this whole stint in the first place. While getting paid for your passions seems like a dream – and I’m still not 100% there – all jobs have their menial days. So here is me taking a break from pitching and churning out whatever has been on my mind for the past few days. Self-care is so important because it brings you back on track and reminds you why you’re doing whatever it is that you’re doing in the first place.


  1. Here’s something weird to admit: I lose my internal chill a little bit when someone tells me they admire what I do. I’ve always wanted to inspire in the way others have inspired me. And don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful to have people in my life who actually give a shit about my work. But in my mind, I think the more people I have looking up to me the more obligated I feel to them – in a sense, my work should exist to serve. I think it’s something all artists face once their work starts to gain some amount of traction. But I’m scared of my own voice being fizzled out of my work when I focus on impressing. It’s a beautiful burden to have – like watching your every step because you know you have a younger sibling looking up to you.
  2. I’m an awful writer. Whatever work you’ve read of mine is inevitably the product of me scuffling around for hours trying to avoid writing a piece, then finally getting around to writing it, then hating myself after realizing it’s been two hours and I only have two REALLY good sentences so why don’t I just give up because the rest of the piece will probably be shit. And after repeating this cycle for way too long, I’ll eventually get swept in a rip current of inspiration and pump out a piece in 20 minutes.
  3. That is all, of course, if I feel like my idea is worth writing about. 90% of my ideas I feel aren’t worth following through on and 90% of the ideas I do follow through on don’t get accepted by publications. MERP.
  4. So why am I still doing it? I can’t imagine myself doing anything else. Writing and creating – whether it’s serious or funny or really personal – is so inexplicably satisfying. I can’t go a day without thinking about it and it’s not so much the finished result that’s satisfying, but the whole process – warts and all. I heard a quote by director Shane Black who tells to keep working despite your fears. Nobody is fully ready, but if you plunge into it and just keep writing, you might come up with an idea so great it’ll momentarily distract your brain from its fear. 
  5. I have such a long way to go. I’ve seen those who are at the top and those who are closer to reaching the top and once you’re in your field, finding out who’s where on the hierarchy is instant. And while being exposed to brilliant work is incredibly rewarding, it’s also daunting. I’d wonder why on earth are people reading or listening to what I came up with when there is so much good work out there. wonder if it’s my decision to pursue my dreams that’s more admirable than my pursuit itself.


Following your dreams is like climbing Mt. Everest. From the beginning, my journey looks courageous and exciting, but climbing up is different. After I’m few feet from the bottom, I’ve barely dodged yet another loose rock and I’m screaming in frustration but I can’t scream too loud because it might start an avalanche and nothing makes sense. I see the people higher than me as distant, faded shadows and I don’t know what they’ve been through but what matters is they’ve made it that high. So when I hear people cheering me on I can’t help but wonder, why? It’s human nature; we’re all looking up.

Comparisons are arbitrary. Just because someone seems nearer to the peak than me doesn’t mean they never were engulfed by hoards of snow or kicked in the face by a mountain goat. Doesn’t mean I have to be kicked in the face by a mountain goat to make it to their level. Does my Everest metaphor still make sense?

I have a friend who once told me: “living a comparative lifestyle is just focusing on results; you’re not pursuing your goal, you’re just living vicariously.”

That friend is a genius, and also only a human who probably also gets shit-scared when someone calls him a genius.


When I moved to New York over the summer I realized it wasn’t enough to have a talent or a passion – you had to have a passion within a passion. I worked with writers who were not only brilliant but brilliant at a ~particular thing~

I didn’t want to have a niche because I was scared of pigeonholing myself. And this sentiment surfaced after my essay on cultural appropriation blew up on the Internet. I remember seeing the number of shares and comments climb and feeling terrified because what if I never create anything that measures up? I barely left the apartment that weekend for fear that I now had a responsibility to follow up.

I didn’t write any personal essays for a long time because I thought it’s all downhill from here. Someone said my writing could serve as a voice for south Asian women and I cowered. I didn’t want to bear the responsibility of being the sole voice of millions; in my essays, I only speak for myself and hope it resonates somehow with someone. Having a niche means people expect something of me and if I don’t deliver then God have mercy on my soul from the wrath of the Internet.

Eventually I got over it and just wrote personal essays because I wanted to. Also I realized I’ll only go downhill if I actually stop. I have a stash of a few essays on my desktop that I only wrote for myself and that trained me out of the fear of obligation. So far, nothing has gotten as big as my cultural appropriation essay, but I don’t care about the exposure. If you do things for recognition, you’ll never ever be ready. It’s always more fun to plunge into things.

I have another friend who said: “after I stopped giving a fuck, things started happening.” My friends are all brilliant.


I don’t know exactly when it started but at some point in college I turned my Twitter into exclusively a repository of pithy one-liners and daily observations I found humorous. After a while of that I wondered how great it would be to get IRL faves and started dabbling in standup comedy. I was inexplicably drawn to standup because no matter if my thoughts were actually funny or downright awful, at the end of the day they belonged to me. No editor could edit out the muck and I spearheaded my own learning process. Writing to fit a certain publication’s voice almost always ended in the editor telling me I did a great job and then replacing an entire paragraph with his/her own thoughts. Standup has instant feedback – nobody sugarcoats anything.

I’m new to writing standup material and I’ve also been writing comedy sketches – both are fun as hell. I’ve gotten the chance to perform at some stellar comedy clubs in Austin and I just finished filming my first sketch with the help of two talented and hilarious comics. I’ve also choked on stage, forgotten my material in front of a full audience, and taken more pre-show anxiety shits than I can count – it’s not all peachy by any means. But here’s the cool thing about failing in a creative pursuit no matter what it is: you’re only getting better from here. And failure is great fuel. I have a joke that has worked in every single Austin venue – whether there were five people in the crowd or 30 – and I wrote it after being doubled over in tears after bombing in front of a cute guy I was totally into.

I look at my writing and even my tweets from a year ago and I feel like I’ve gotten better. It’s amazing to think that a year from now I’ll be even better than now, no matter how many times I get writers’ block or just come up with something stupid. IT’S A MAGICAL FEELING Y’ALL.


It doesn’t matter what you’re doing but don’t ever stop doing it for you. If you’re about to jump ship and sail your own journey in the seas, keep going because it’s what you want. Not because your boss told you to and your friends are invested in your journey, blah blah. Of course you’re going to have times when you can’t think of anything good and feel your work will never suffice and I’ll probably have these moments for the rest of my life. Nobody starts out great. But one day you’ll do something that surprises you and it’s all going to be worth it. Actually, it’s already worth it.



*(I’ve been long wondering why exactly human bodies are so rigidly censored — except when they’re shot at or violently assaulted. So I decided to dive into the parallel universe of Worst Possible Scenarios and report on this breaking find.) 


Child raised on sexually explicit movies grows up to be sex god

Local teenager Jake Smith is heralded to be outstanding at sex after spending the last ten years of his childhood watching films with strong sexual content. After years of subverting parental controls and sneaking into R-rated films to watch two consenting adults engage in an activity that has reportedly been done since the beginning of time, Smith has a dangerously acute awareness of the human body. His mother, Donna, is mortified with how her son has turned out. 

“I thought I raised my boy right by setting blocks against all romantic flicks and only letting him watch films that aren’t so inappropriate,” said Donna, after expressing her disappointment upon finding Ghost on her son’s computer instead of blood-soaked, gore-spattered movies.

This comes at a time when psychologists have been conducting numerous studies on whether there is a link between sexually provocative films and sexual proficiency. Are such films a “risk factor” for being freakishly good in bed? Dr. Randy Taver of the University of Texas is currently conducting a study on the link between the two, although he could not be reached for comment due to a stampede through his lab of hopeful participants.   

Area mother, Amy Leary, says sex scenes are unintelligent and regress society.

“I cannot allow my children to be watching blithe nudity — they are too smart for this,” Leary said, adding that she believes in only educational television. “Weapons of mass destruction and armed killer robots are at their forefronts and are constantly innovating to keep up with technology. Human bodies have looked the same for years; it’s boring.”  

Despite the backlash, Smith chose nudes over prudes and after years of dedicated screen time was rewarded for it IRL. Many area women attested to Smith’s sexual prowess. Smith’s “Netflix with benefits” buddy, Allie Hoyt, was relieved to have found a man like him.

“I’m not bothered by how many women Jake [Smith] has been exposed to — on screen and off,” Hoyt said. “I’m just glad he didn’t gag, torture, and kill me while I’m topless and then drive away in a stolen car. You never know what men get into these days.”

Reporters spoke to Smith just how he managed to attain this level of sexual divinity.

“I had a head start over my peers who were banned from watching movies with a lot of sex in them,” Smith said. “I don’t really talk to them anymore, since many of them have since grown up to become gruesome serial killers.”


105 Thoughts I’ve Had While Walking Around In New York City

  1. I wish I could make it one block without being tempted by Halal food trucks
  2. Somebody just apologized for bumping into me. Definitely a tourist
  3. Someone is actually waiting for the walk sign before crossing the road. Also a tourist
  4. Let’s play a little game called how many blocks can I walk before hearing an ambulance
  5. Oh man it’s a creepy catcaller. QUICK, what is the most unattractive thing I could possibly do at this moment?
  6. Should I slouch?
  7. Or cross my eyes?
  8. Or tell him about my hopeless love life (that always seems to work with other guys)
  9. Dammit I’m already here
  11. I wonder what girl hurt him to make him act like that
  12. DAMMIT I just walked three blocks in the wrong direction
  13. should I just Uber to work?
  14. Nah I need money for lunch
  15. Before dollar pizzas start to become its own separate food group in my diet
  16. I really need to eat healthier
  17. Does tomato sauce on dollar pizzas count?
  18. Ambulance!
  19. Oh man not another catcaller
  20. Don’t make eye contact don’t make eye contact
  21. Maybe I should just look REALLY mad and make a powerful stride around his path. Maybe that’ll work
  22. It didn’t work
  23. Finally at the subway
  24. My feet hurt
  25. Approximately how many steps before the turnstile should I start opening my backpack, fishing for my wallet, opening it, and taking out my metro card so I can swipe my way through without a single stop?
  26. About 10 steps
  27. Am I going uptown or downtown… uptown or downtown come on I can do this without a map
  28. Damn that subway musician is actually REALLY talented
  29. Do I have any cash?
  30. Nope, spent it all on Halal food
  31. Ugh this subway station is so hot I’m sweating from places I didn’t know sweat came from
  32. My feet hurt
  33. People who stand on the subway when there are clearly empty seats available: teach me your strength
  34. I can’t even hear my own thoughts with all this railroad screeching
  35. Aaand my phone just lost signal
  36. Is it socially acceptable to buy snacks from these child subway vendors with a tragic backstory? I could really use a Famous Amos right now
  37. Nobody else is doing it
  38. Haha that girl just pronounced Houston wrong
  39. Wait. EVERYONE is pronouncing Houston wrong
  40. Am I a true New Yorker if I bust out through the emergency exit because people were taking too long exiting the turnstiles?
  41. Taking the stairs out of underground subway stations is the only cardio I need in this city
  43. ANOTHER ambulance
  44. My feet hurt
  45. Damn that guy is cute.. and stylish!
  46. Aaaand he’s gay
  47. COME ON GOOGLE MAPS get back on 4G I’m out of the station already
  48. Alright which way am I going
  49. Maybe if I squint REALLY hard I can make out what the next numbered street is
  50. So if the Freedom tower is up ahead and the Chrysler building is behind me, and Freedom tower is at the lowest tip of manhattan, if I walk towards it THEN THE STREETS ARE DESCENDING
  51. Holy shit, I’m a genius
  52. My feet hurt
  53. First and last time I’m wearing heels in the city
  54. That cupcake place looks really good
  55. If I buy a few cupcakes then maybe I should go home for dinner but if I don’t buy it, then I can afford to eat out for dinner. And if I’m staying out till 10 I should prolong my hunger
  56. But if I don’t buy either, I could save money for happy hour
  57. Happy hour sounds good. OK KEEP MOVING
  58. is EVERYONE in New York always late to SOMETHING?
  59. It’s kind of mysteriously beautiful how everyone is headed somewhere and with so much fervor
  60. Except me, pacing and frantically waving my phone so Google Maps’ stupid blue dot will locate me
  61. It’s all a metaphor for my life
  62. AND ANOTHER ambulance dear god how many people are dying in this city?
  63. My feet hurt
  64. What’s all that commotion?
  65. Did I just see Tina Fey?
  66. OMG it’s a free concert!
  67. I love this city!
  68. Gross I just stepped in a puddle
  69. I hate this city
  70. New York is like that douchebag you know is bad for you and all your friends and family warned against him. But there’s still something magical and captivating about him that reels you in
  71. New York is just a giant metaphor for life. It’s in everyone and everything
  72. So many tourists
  73. How do I make friends in the real world?
  74. How do I make friends without college going “here are 800 organizations, go and build the squad of your dreams”
  75. My feet hurt
  76. Omg this place has 4 shots for $10?
  77. AND a free comedy night?
  78. My brain will be its own comedy night after 4 for $10 shots
  79. Haaa
  80. How do I make friends again?
  81. Do my friends and family miss me?
  82. Does my dog miss me?
  83. I can’t believe I’m actually here
  84. My feet hurt
  85. So do my eardrums.. from hearing every variety of emergency siren in existence
  86. So does my neck.. from gazing up at these skyscrapers
  87. Concrete jungle where dreams are made of!
  88. I wanna listen to that song and walk down the streets like a badass
  89. Come on that’s so touristy
  90. I’ll make it up by bumping into someone and not apologizing
  91. Will I make it here?
  92. Concrete bunghole where dreams are made up!
  93. Lol remember that time I thought I saw Tina Fey?
  94. I’m hungry
  95. $10 card minimum WHAT DO YOU MEAN $10 MINIMUM
  96. McDonalds it is
  97. I wonder what’s the most optimal route to navigate New York while eat-walking
  98. Isn’t it funny that me and Taylor Swift are currently within the same 26 mile radius?
  99. I wonder what she’s doing right now
  100. Will I make it here?
  101. Nobody tells how scary this can be
  102. But oh my gosh I’m here
  103. Only in New York can you feel scared and overwhelmed yet simultaneously energetic and excited
  104. I think I’ll be okay
  105. Holy shit my feet hurt


“If you happen to live here, it’s always refreshing to view Manhattan from afar. Up close the city constitutes an oppressive series of staircases, but from a distance it inspires fantasies of wealth and power so profound that even our communists are temporarily rendered speechless.” – David Sedaris